TAKE THE PAIN ~ it's not sane but SO INSANE!

TAKE THE HURT ~ it just doesn't work.

TAKE THE TEARS ~ which are caused by so many fears.

TAKE THE EVIL ~ take it all away it just can't stay.

Day and night I pray ~ TAKE THIS PAIN!

Stop the calling tears of rain which keep falling down my depressed and sadened face!

Find me a place of LOVE, PEACE and COMFORT, let me be embraced.

NO MORE HURT or FALLING TEARS ~ ERASE ALL THE EVIL FEARS!

Lay me down in a bed of peace HEAR my prayers and let me sleep.

SHUT my eyes so I may not see all the lonliness and pain which has come over me.

Let me BREATHE a breath of PEACE.

LOVE me PLEASE, my HEART will NEVER be at EASE ~ the TEARS will NEVER STOP, the

PAIN will NEVER seize, untill my SOUL is take from me and placed in a home of PEACE and ETERNITY! ( i love you Arturo Calderon Lobo)

I can't do this anymore I just keep falling to the floor. What was I brought here for? Don't you understand it's not one life there's one more? One lie always turns into one more. An affair your having, may not be with a woman but a drug which you love more. My heart is broke in two, it has been torn in two. My eyes close slowly, and a tear rolls down my face, and desperately, filled with so much pain, falls down to the floor. I just can't take it anymore chosen over a drug which you just love more. Alone is how I feel fighting this battle so all alone, not you to hold me safely not one drug to take away this pain, only desperate prayers praying someday you will change, still to this day they are unanswered prayers but in the faith of God I know these prayers are still in range!

I sit and I stare into a face untrue you never loved me you said you cared, gave me up for a drug which will ruin you. You should be scared, lonliness it will tear a hole in your heart which you can't bare - you should be scared. You pushed away, I strayed, how will I find my way back again? Your eyes are closed, it's so dark how will you see what you have done to yourself and me. When it's to black to see you can't breathe - no one to hold, no one to touch, you pushed away - away you flushed - flushed away! Nothing in your mind only to get high, in the end there's no one there. You stopped who came and only them you blamed. When only yourself got stuck in the end - no one left to blame for the mistake that you pretend to fake it still was not the one that you make. In the end you'll die and choke, why this love from me to you did you revoke? No one will hear you call you pushed them all to far, than the tears will fall and at that very moment you'll know you had it all and lost it all for the mistake you still to this very day make. STOP TAKE A BREAK~!

Hope Lost!

July 6-2007
Back home in Canada! Restarting with Mia! What to do now? But I went on I always do.......Mia is my fight! I let go of God when God is the only thing I should have never let go of, I was so broken.
I talked to Arturo a few more times after I had left Costa Rica ~ I got a collect call after a few weeks of being home from him, I did not accept it! He was back on the streets of Costa Rica doing anything to find his next hit!
A few months had passed and I heard nothing from him or his family, soon after that I recieved an email from his niece saying that Arturo got in contact with them and was picked up wearing barely any clothes, barely alive! He was brought to a rehab center and I was left a phone number to phone him ~ I hesitated for some time! I finally made the call and just did not know what to say to him when he came on the phone, I had so much anger, pain and hate inside of me for him......but I loved him still! I started phoning him on a weekly basis, he did well in the center! Months passed and he was still there I asked for him to try to come out here and he said it was best for him to stay in the center and to complete the program ~ I understood that, I have always just felt like where do Mia and I fit into his life.....where? I stopped phoning him completely and tried to move on with my life, I got a few calls from him when he would have a weekend out of the center , filled with so much hurt I tried to forget about him! When he called me, he would beg me to give him just one more chance and I decided that if he was able to finish his program and stay out of the center working for a few months than I would go back to him.

He called me after one year of being in the center he was happy and I was happy for him, he got a job I was surprised that he got a job that fast! So we decided together that if I did not pass my entry test into college I would pack up and go back home to Costa Rica! Mia and him would talk on the phone ~ he phoned everyday, I saw he was being responsible , at christmas time he sent Mia a couple of hundred dollars things were changing ~ things were better! He encouraged my relationship with Christ and soon I was going to church again and life was getting better! I loved him Still!

February 2009 Arturo does not phone anymore, I call him and he tells me that his mom and him are entirely broke he is trying to move into a new house and get things ready for when Mia and I come! Ok I am understanding, I start phoning him when I have the money to buy phone cards! He phoned me 2 times this month for 5 min at a time! The thought does not even cross my mind that he might have relapsed ~ I trusted him! Again! I trusted him!

February 24-2009 I sign in on msn and Arturo's niece starts talking to me, we exchange pictures of her wedding and of my Mia! We get on the conversation of Arturo and I ask if she can call him and ask if he can call me, she seemed surprised that he isn't phoning and asks me if he still phones me....No........She asks why and I tell her Arturo says that they are really broke at the time........straight out she tells me he's lying, my grandma has money (Arturo's mom) I asked her is he on drugs again, but she did not know! I phoned Arturo the next day and told him I wanted to know what was going on he totally sounded fine, and thought nothing of it!

February 26-2009 Found out Arturo has relapsed! I sign into msn at 9 pm and Ale, Arturo's nephew says to me " Arturo is such an idiot" I ask him why and well he has been smoking crack for the last 2 weeks! Ouch! Hope lost! I think it was expected! Not knowing what to feel or think at the time! Just the night before he told me that he missed me and that if God just gave him one more chance he would show us how much he really loved us! Why lie about something like that! I said to him if Mia and I deserve anything from him ~ it's the truth, but promised me that everything was fine! Broken again! How many times can you break it before it shatters- the heart? After some time.....tears flooded my heart and my eyes and I cried, I could not fall asleep, All the memories swept through my mind of him and how and why he could have given up on us again! I looked at Mia-Bella as I layed beside her and could not IMAGINE not being able to see her everday, not being able to have her every night, not seeing her smile! She is my LIFE why can't she be his???

Broken!

Arturo the Love of my Life who gave me my Life ~ Mia-Bella!

July 12-2006 my life began! 2:45 pm I gave birth to my beautiful little girl, Mia-Bella Kadin Calderon! In the delivery room was my mom, I love her for that! I could recall during my pregnancy EVERYONE said I was going to have a boy ~ but I waited for my Mia-Bella! I had her name picked from the time that I first found out I was pregnant! I had my little girl and I will cherish her for all my life and take care of her the way God would have me do it!

(July 12-2006) Arturo-Still on drugs, so bad that he lives on the street and has been for the last few months already - sleeps on the street, doesn't eat, doesn't bathe~ My Arturo what happened to you?? There I held our daughter in my arms, seeing the perfection of Christ and he was getting high somewhere! God it hurt! But there I felt LOVE, Mia has brought LOVE to my life ~ a love only God knew I needed! Arturo found out a few days later that Mia had been born, I didn't phone him and waited for his call! About a month after Mia had been born Arturo went into a rehab center and there he stayed for 10 months and did well.

May 15-2007 Mia and I packed up and left for Costa Rica ---- Mia being 10 months old ~ first time seeing her Papi and his first time seeing her! I loved him still! He was the love of my life! We wanted to make everything right, we wanted no wrong in this chance God gave us to be a family, We got married the day I arrived..... was it a real wedding, NO but I signed a paper stating that I was married... I Loved him! Mia, Arturo and I lived with his mom for awhile and than with his brother! One day Arturo left not allowing me to go......he came back and was high~ What I felt at that moment was an over whelming sense of pain, helplessness, I had lost it again! I had lost him, mine and Mia's family, my husband and my daughters dad! God did it hurt, he grabbed me and hugged me and I fell to the ground and wept and all I heard were the words that had come so many times out of his mouth, "I promise I will never do it again!"

A few days later he was gone again! I had to leave! Mia means EVERYTHING for me! I asked for him to PLEASE just to try to be sobar untill Mia's first birthday, he could not even wait just a week and a half....I bought an early plain ticket back home, planned a early birthday party for her and left 5 days before her 1st year birthday! As I said bye to Arturo in the airport all I saw was uncaring, there was no love there anymore! My goodness he was supposed to be saying goodbye to his baby his daughter and he was so anxious to leave the airport to go get high that he did not even say bye to Mia! He gave me a quick hug and was gone! There I stood in line with my 1 year old and 3 luggages, broken inside, broken for Mia and felt broken as a family and felt like a failure!

He loves me ~ He loves me Not!

In 2003 I met Arturo! We fell in love! He was from Costa Rica I lived my life in Manitoba but we met in a small town in Ontario, working in a green house! It was perfect, we were young in love it was just him and I! (Nov 12- March 30 2004) We spent approximately 1 year together in Canada! He left to go back home Oct 2004. Saying good bye was extremely hard for me, I thought I had met the most amazing man EVER! Heaven Sent, you could say! Jan-2005 I left Canada to go make my life with the love of my life in Costa Rica - Waited forever to go see him, never missed anyone as much as I had him! When I arrived in Costa Rica I was not even sure what feelings to feel, what to say---I walked off the plane my heart pounding in my chest, just waiting to see him, wondering if I looked pretty enough after the long flight. I got my bags went through customs fine and went on my way---looking everywhere to see if I could see him. Our eyes met and I will never forget the way that it felt when he wrapped his arms around me - it was TRUE LOVE! All the people outside the airport whistling and screaming~~reunited!

A few months after having lived in Costa Rica, Arturo and I were living the night life ~ Raves, partying, drinking, drugs ~ We were young, in love and having fun ~ Fun that soon turned out to be a serious problem! Arturo got involved with cocaine which in no time turned into a crack addiction. I loved him with all my heart, but he soon loved drugs more than he loved me or our love! I don't think I have ever cried the way that I did seeing him getting lost in something that I knew he might never get out of! This was the first person in my life that completely respected me, the first person that I felt totally loved by and in no amount of time I had lost him ~ not even knowing who he was! Our relationship got abusive, he would threaten to hide my passport on me, threatening to kill me, saying I would never be able to go back home again! I decided I had to leave I payed for part of a plane ticket and was going to pay the rest at the end of the week ~ Arturo showed up at my work got down on his knees and begged for my forgiveness vowing to change, begging me not to leave! I decided to stay ~ I loved him! He started some rehab classes that stopped after the first time he went and the abuse started again he kept smoking crack, I left in Oct 2004 to go home, I stayed here for about a month and went back home to Arturo ~ We wanted to start new, at that time he had me convinced that he could change that fast, I believed he was off of drugs! We moved into a new apartement - I loved living there I loved life with Arturo, I LOVED HIM! Two weeks after being there it all started again ~ He tried hard to change I know he did but he couldn't and he didn't......time went on, I honestly think that the tears that I shed in that year could not even amount to a life time of tears! In November 2005 I got a sleeping sickness or so I thought ~ I slept a week straight all I wanted to do was sleep....sleep! Nov 12-2005 Our second year anniversary I found out I was pregnant! I thought that this HAD to change Arturo---it just had to~! It didn't, I gave him a choice and he chose crack cocaine! We sold all we had boughten together and I went home December 24-2005.